♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
♪♪
[grunts]
- Duncan! - Duncan!
[birds chirping]
[snoring]
The Devil's Ass.
No man has successfully free soloed it.
Ah! Tell my wife I love her.
- [grunts] - Until now.
The mistake everyone made before me was training.
That's why I didn't.
[groaning]
[panting]
Hey, Duncan. I'm Alex Honnold,
star of the Academy Award-winning film "Free Solo."
- I'm kind of busy. - Oh, sorry.
I just wanted to say that you're the best ever
- and give you my Oscar. - About time.
Nice to meet you... [moans]
I did it! Take that, God!
Bow before your maker.
[screams]
[grunts]
Wonder Woman? What are you doing here?
You made me appear.
You have a sexual thought every seven seconds.
- Whoa, that sounds like a lot. - It is.
That's why I'm gonna make you a man, Duncan.
Nice!
[moans]
I'm gonna make you a man, Duncan.
[screams] Dad, what are you doing?
Your father's gonna make you a man.
- No! - By teaching you to drive, you lucky duck.
Driving is every teenage boy's dream.
Ugh, not mine. Get out of my room.
[snores and huffs]
Where were you?
It doesn't matter. Make me a man, hurry.
Duncan, you've had your learner's permit for a month
and you haven't touched the car.
I don't need to drive.
Drones deliver whatever I want,
and self-driving cars are the future.
Driving is old-fashioned and boring, like baseball.
Baseball is awesome. It's a metaphor for life.
Metaphors are boring, like baseball.
We stand at the plate of opportunity...
- [groans] - Swinging for the fences
of success... up, I've been Roomba'd.
[snores]
Your father was trying to have a moment with you.
All right, I'll go driving. God.
Good boy. I love you, mwah.
[snores] Hey.
I'm an orphan. Let me have this.
- Both: [moaning] - Aww.
[grunts]
Good luck driving, Duncan.
You're the handsomest brother in the world,
and someday, I will marry you.
I've told you a thousand times, Jing,
- we can't get... - [whimpers]
I can't wait until we're married too.
[giggles]
Say good luck to your brother, Kimberly.
Good luck. Don't forget to text and drive.
Okay, quiet, everybody.
I'm documenting this moment for Facebook, and I got
to say something profound. You ready, honey?
Okay, hang on, I have it on photo...
Slow-mo, square,
pano, video,
slow-mo again. Okay, action.
Son, it seems like yesterday, I was pushing you in a stroller
and... Here they come.
- Are you crying? - Sorry, Dunker,
but the day you teach your kid to drive
is one of the great moments in a father's life.
And unlike my dad,
it's not gonna end with me beating you,
and then taking you to Wendy's, and then beating you again.
- I love you, son. - I love you too, Dad.
[engine revs]
That's it. There you go...
Both: [screaming]
Hey! We're gonna die!
- Oh, my God. - Slow down.
- Speed up. - Make up your mind.
- A family of ducks. - Aww.
- The Pope! - What is he doing here?
Mommy, want to see me do a cartwheel?
- Say yes. - Sorry, honey.
Mommy needs to drop you at school and get to work.
The good people of this town are paying me
- to ticket their cars. - I'll go fast.
Oh...
That's great, honey. Okay, let's...
Now back. Oh...
[sighs] Just get her a phone already.
- [tires squeal] - Please stop driving!
[giggles]
How can I learn with you freaking out?
Why can't you be chill like that Sully dude?
He landed a plane on the ocean
without screaming like an idiot.
Well, maybe Sully should be your father.
I wish he was.
- Want me to braid your hair, Dad? - Mm-hmm.
[low tempo music]
Okay, okay.
Two bottles in my mouth sideways.
Huh-uh.
Tah-dah... Ow!
[groans] Why do I crave attention?
[grunts]
[gags] This is near beer.
It's the beer pregnant chicks drink.
It was all I could grab in the store.
The guy was shooting at me.
Why does everybody make such a big deal out of driving?
It's not like this boring town has any fun places to go.
[crowd cheering and screaming]
You need to chill, Dunk,
and your boy has just the thing.
The company sent me a free samp.
Why are people always sending you cool stuff?
All I get are Groupons for cemetery plots.
It is all about your Twitter game.
I follow businesses, talk up their products,
and then they hook me up.
I wrote Twizzlers are woke, and bam.
- Both: [awed sound] - Whoa, Twizzlers.
[knocking]
Ah, that'd be Papa Mom's.
Free pizza, compliments of Papa Mom's.
Bon appétit.
Duncan? It's me, Mia.
[choir music]
- Mm-hmm. - Well, my parents made me
get a job to save money for college,
but then I found out Papa Mom's supports anti-LGBTQ causes,
so I'm taking the company down from the inside
by sticking my finger in every pie.
I didn't do yours, though. Actually, I did.
It's right there. You could just eat around it.
So, I saw you driving with your dad.
- [grunts] - No, I think you look cool
- behind the wheel. - Hmm?
I can't wait to drive.
By the time I'm done riding my bike to protests,
I am too tired to march. [giggles]
[laughing hysterically]
- Dial it down, dude. - I got this.
- [laughs] - Who knows.
Maybe someday, you'll be able to give me a ride somewhere.
[harp music]
Ah!
Wuh-pah! Smash!
I've come to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage.
Well, that sounds wonder... [huffs]
- [grunts] - Why?
He was going to say yes.
I couldn't take that chance.
You're so cool. Feel me up.
With pleazh.
- Boner alert. - All: [laughing]
Don't just stand there. Introduce me.
[whines]
And the masked singer is...
You two are glad I'm your father, right?
Both: Dad.
They're about to unmask a celebrity we don't know.
Kyle Bornheimer! [cheering]
Both: [cheer]
Still upset about Duncan?
Here, clean your records. It always cheers you up.
Yup. I love "Dust in the Wind,"
but hate dust in my Kansas albums.
Both: [laugh]
There's the simple man I married.
[door slams]
I need to learn to drive now.
It's all I ever wanted. My beautiful boy...
Not you. You.
[gasping] Ow!
No! [whimpers]
[sings] ♪ Dust in the wind ♪
♪ All we are is dust in the wind ♪
♪ Ah, ah ♪
So why the sudden interest in driving?
Are you like me?
Fed up with all those doping scandals in the biking world?
I don't know. I just figured I could probably
be a better son, you know, and help you and Dad.
You know, let me drive Grandma to her stretching class,
and let me go get that protein yogurt that helps you poop.
Dunkie, I think the word "awesome" gets thrown around
too much these days, but that's what you are.
Awesome.
Aw, hey, Duncan.
You learning how to drive to impress Mia?
Yeah, that Mia was banging.
Mia's hot. You were right to have a boner.
Oh, hi, Mrs. Harris.
New yoga pants? Nice.
Wait a minute.
Do you have a thing for a girl named Mia?
What? No.
Dunkie, 96% of bad choices made by teens happen in a car,
so I'm going to make sure you don't ruin your life
by doing a little role play.
- God no. - God yes.
You be you, and I'll be this Mia girl.
[as Mia] Oh, no, I had too much to drink
and I'm not capable of giving verbal consent.
And one of my shirt buttons may not hold, so...
No, gross. Stop, ugh.
What do you do, Duncan? What do you do?
- Go for it? - No.
You treat her with respect.
- Okay. - Good, now let's drive.
Check your side mirror, check your rearview mirror,
check the backseat for murderers.
Fine, I'll go.
Good luck, Duncan.
Bye-bye.
Oh, that's the house
where the guy had a python that swallowed him whole.
[laughs] Driving with you is fun, Mom.
It's not like dad.
I don't want to die with this rift between us.
Like Springsteen, I had a complicated relationship
with my father, and I don't want that for you...
Oh, your father means well. He's just emotional,
probably because he only has one testicle.
- Hmm? - Take a left up here.
[choir music]
- [sighs] - Duncan!
Both: [scream]
- You almost hit Ol' Oakie. - It's just a stupid tree.
A stupid tree? It's the beloved symbol
of our town, and where we hung all those witches.
We aren't proud, but we are safe.
- Sorry, Mom. - That's okay.
You know what, Dunkie? I think you're ready
to be designated driver for my book club.
Why would a book club need a designated driver?
All: [singing] ♪ When I think about you ♪
♪ I touch myself, whoa, oh ♪
♪ I touch my ♪ [coughing]
Self. I touch myself.
Has anybody ever told you
you look like a young James Patterson?
- Because you do. - [gags]
Helen has been going through some stuff since the divorce,
so do not be alone with her.
[bell rings]
Salisbury steak and pizza on the same day?
Can I take one home to my grandma?
It's her birthday.
One entrée per student. You know the rule, Bex.
Aw, don't be a dick, Justin. You just graduated last year.
Plate me, Justin.
All: Mr. Mitch.
Why aren't you eating in the faculty lounge?
I like the food out here better.
I know it's just tomato sauce on an English muffin,
but cafeteria pizza is dope.
Mr. Mitch, Jimmy's choking.
[gagging] Damn.
- Jimmy, stop choking. - [belches]
[cheering]
[stutters] Free stuff.
Your boy just copped all-access passes to the EDM Fest tonight.
Bombas Socks is trying to crash the youth market,
so they hooked me up 'cause I favorited their new mid-calf.
- Both: Oh. - The perfect height.
You're going to EDM Fest?
I've always wanted to go to one.
Ow, what? Oh.
You want to come with us? Remember when you told me
I looked cool behind the wheel? I could do that again.
Okay, see you tonight. Thanks.
[coughs] Boner alert.
- [chuckles] - I don't have one.
I know. Made you look at your junk.
- All: [laugh] - Aw, yeah.
And you don't even have to talk to my friends.
In fact, it's better if you don't.
I just need a grown-up to make it legal for me to drive.
An electronic music festival? I don't think so.
I saw this "20/20" once about club kids, and they took molly,
and they carved each other up in bathtubs.
- Hmm, whoa. - Sorry, Dunkie.
[scoffs] You're so overprotective.
You always think I'm going to get hacked to death
or wind up in the middle of a human centipede.
That's the worst spot.
Mia would rather go face-to-butt than kiss you.
Face-to-butt, face-to-butt, face-to-butt, face-to-butt.
- Oh, thank you, Kimberly. - Hmm.
Oh, I know.
Why don't you stay home with us and watch "The Boss Baby?"
Boss Baby. Boss Baby.
I got it from the Redbox.
It's about this baby who is a boss.
And he's got a little briefcase,
and a stapler, the whole shebang.
He even wears a... [wheezes]
A little suit.
[laughs] Leave it to Hollywood.
[gasps] Oh.
He runs so weird.
[huffs]
This sucks. I can't take Mia to the show.
Just take your parents' car after they get drunk, argue, and pass out.
My parents don't do that.
They just watch TV and fall asleep.
I get it. You're better than me.
Even if I took their car,
we'd still need an adult for me to legally drive.
An adult?
I know where to get one of those.
Yeah, who's the man?
- [grunts] Bex is the man. - Bexman.
You know I'm a girl, right? I have freaking boobs.
[grunting]
Okay, I'll put the car in neutral,
and you and Wolf push it out to the street.
- Where the hell is Wolf? - You weren't kidding.
They turned on the TV and went right to sleep.
Both: [snore]
[whispers] Quit watching my parents.
[grunts]
All: [groaning]
Got our adult.
- Your grandma? - Don't worry.
She's had all her medications. She's basically asleep.
[phone chimes]
She's great. Let's go.
Both: [groan]
Someone scratch my waddle.
- No, my waddle! - Don't ask.
[lively music]
♪♪
Grandma, we'll be back in seven hours.
Want me to crack a window?
No, I'm gonna hotbox myself.
- Damn. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
This is awesome.
[power tools revving]
- Mm-hmm. - Aw, bury me in this.
DJ S'More.
♪♪
[grunting]
I love that you dance like you don't care
what anybody thinks of your dancing.
Thanks.
The doctor says there's something wrong with my spine.
My later years are gonna be a struggle.
Duncan, rip the robe off.
I can't. I'll lose the deposit.
- [groans] - Save yourself.
- Okay. - Hmm?
Oh, crap.
[groans]
This area is for certified pyrotechnic specialists only.
- I'm one of those. - Okay, help yourself.
Got to push it.
[button clicks]
[fire crackles]
Sorry.
I didn't think this is how the night was gonna end.
Me either.
[fireworks explode]
It's even better.
[car revs]
[lively music]
All: [grunting]
[snores]
That was the greatest night of my life.
I was naked so much.
I had a great time. Thanks, Duncan.
Hmm?
Go for it, kid. I'll take the wheel.
[tires squeal]
Look out.
All: [screaming]
All: [sigh]
I didn't wet myself. Glow stick broke.
Better see if the car's okay.
[door rattles]
[tree rustles]
[suspenseful music]
♪♪
Yup, car's okay.
So, Dunkie, you still mad at us
for not letting you go to your electric music tadoo?
Nah, you know what's best for me,
and I'm just lucky to have you in my life
and keep me from making wrong decisions which I'd never do.
So what'd you do last night? Sit in your room and cry?
[as Duncan] "Mia, I'm sorry I'm so ugly
and have pimples on my back." [laughs]
- You have pimples too. - Oh, my God, Mom. That is so mean.
Shh, breaking news.
Oh, that kid loves her breaking news.
Tragedy in Oakdale last night
as Ol' Oakie, the town's beloved oak tree,
was the victim of a brutal hit and run.
Not Ol' Oakie. We carved our names in him
in high school. Remember, Jack?
And I proposed to you under that tree.
And my dad said, "He'll never amount to anything,"
- under that tree. - He did?
The happiest moments of our lives were under that tree.
[gulps]
[dramatic music]
- Why did you just gulp, Duncan? - I didn't gulp.
You made a gulp in your throat.
I saw it. It went gulp.
- Like this. [gulps] - I didn't gulp.
Both: Hmm.
Get him, Mom.
[light clicks]
Glitter in your hair. VIP wristband.
Glow stick residue?
That doesn't prove anything. Nothing proves anything.
You went to that concert last night.
And there's sap on the bumper.
[slurps] Oak tree sap.
You killed Ol' Oakie.
All right, all right. I took the car.
But it was something I wanted, and you said no.
What was I supposed to do? Respect your boundaries?
- Kimberly, get me my yelling stool. - Gladly.
[shoes clack]
After everything I've done for you,
this is how you repay me?
I stopped smoking halfway through my pregnancy for you.
You were my first. I tried the hardest with you.
And I just posted what a great kid you are.
Now I'm the only idiot on Facebook.
Sorry, Dad. I didn't know.
Well, if you'd friend me, maybe you would.
I'll friend you, Dad.
- Not from my real account, of course. - I'll take it.
I can't believe I used to love you.
[slurps]
Ugh.
[strums guitar]
[birds chirping]
[stammers] Hey, Mom.
I cleaned my room,
and I sent that thank-you note to Grandma for the mittens.
Uh-huh.
Hey, Dad, I was watching Springsteen on Broadway,
and you're right.
The stripped-down version of "Born in the USA"
is like a much more powerful indictment
of our misguided involvement in Vietnam.
Right?
- Don't fall for it, Jack. - Yup, yup, yup, yup.
[strums guitar]
Mom, I finally read that article that you emailed me
on the dangers of energy drinks.
I had no idea that hearts could burst.
Neither did I, but here we are.
[sighs]
I've never seen them this mad.
They're giving me a total "10th Avenue Freeze Out."
Dude, stop watching Springsteen on Broadway.
Whenever I disappoint my grandma,
I just wait ten minutes, and then she forgets.
[laughs] I'm worried.
You're going to have to do whatever it takes to restore
their faith in you, Duncan. There's no quick fix.
Quick fix. That's it.
I just need a big way to apologize for sneaking out.
I know. Can you sneak out?
Yeah, sure.
[grunts and screams]
[cicadas buzzing]
[glass shatters]
- It's the Babadook. - Jack, that was five years ago.
You saw the movie. He's ageless.
Parking enforcement. Prepare to die.
What the? What?
- Duncan? - Oh, hey, Mrs. Harris.
New robe? Nice.
Hmm.
I know how much this tree meant to you,
and I'm sorry that I killed it. So I saved you the best part.
All: [groaning]
All: Aww.
I'm falling in love with you all over again.
- Can you, like, just forgive me now? - Of course.
I never stopped loving you. That was your mom.
You are the greatest son any mother could ever hope for.
[cicadas buzzing]
Cicada swarm!
[all scream]
Ugh, sorry.
I didn't think they'd be swarming
for at least another week.
Oh, Dunkie, I'm sorry that I didn't ride shotgun with you
to your music shebang.
And I'm sorry I freaked out on you driving.
I swore I'd never be a lame dad.
I mean, that's the whole point of this ponytail.
Tell you what.
You can drive your girlfriend, Mia, wherever you want.
Girlfriend?
Oh, you don't think I'm your girlfriend, do you?
What? No way.
- I really like you, Duncan. - Of course.
- But I am nobody's property. - I never thought otherwise.
So don't even dream of crushing on me.
- Dreams are stupid. - However,
if I ever did decide I wanted someone crushing on me,
- it could be someone like you. - Huh?
- Girls are complicated, eh, Duncan? - You got that right, Sully.
Let's get out of here. Hop on.
[upbeat music]
Is this really happening?
No, that edible your friend gave you has killer flashbacks.
You're high as hell, Duncan.
Now hold onto my mustache. We're going to Mars.
Nice.
- Is our house the circus? - How much longer do we have to live in the car?
Just until the cicadas stop mating.
- Who wants eggs with their pancakes? - Ooh, me.
- Oh, I forgot them in the house. - No problem. I'll get them.
[sings] ♪ Off to feed my family ♪
[inhales]
Mm, I don't really want eggs.
[coughs]
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